the ice-cream parlour... again...

she was looking for him at the ice-cream parlour last night, but he wasn't there...

the ice-cream parlour

she was not there. he looked around, hoping to find her seated at somewhere unfamiliar. but he could not find her anywhere in the ice-cream parlour.

fate drew two strangers together when they stepped into the same college two months ago. they instantly clicked the moment they introduced themselves. their conversations spanned for hours everyday. they were inseparable. they have their meals together everyday and they never grew bored of the same food. they studied together at the library, and they were always together in college. he enjoyed her company more than anything else. as days passed, he became closer to her. soon enough, he began to like her. his feelings for her became intense, but he had never spill it to her. his reason; she already has a guy, and he is unsure about her feelings towards him.

perhaps their interest in food drew them close. perhaps it was her sweet smile which attracted him. perhaps he was simply comfortable with her around. perhaps it was because they share the same liking for ice-cream...

everyday, after college, they'd drop by the ice-cream parlour to have their favourite ice-cream. and there, they would share their thoughts, their secrets, their worries, their life. they spent hours and hours talking about everything. from small petty matters, to big important decisions and problems. she would often talk about her worries, her friends, and her problems with her friends. and he would listen. once in a while he would voice his concerns when he sensed something was wrong. yes, it all took place in the ice-cream parlour. perhaps it was the ice-cream that made him so relaxed. but it was her presence that melted his heart. perhaps it was the blueberry which made the ice-cream extra sweet. but her smile was even sweeter to him.

so every evening, rain or shine, he would look forward to meet her at the ice-cream parlour. he did not mind getting soaked in the rain just to get to there. he did not mind skipping his weekly workout to meet her. he did not let the traffic jam to be an excuse for not meeting her. he did not care for the accident he almost got into when rushing to meet her. as long as, the way he put it; they have their time together.

this went on for almost a month.. but things began to take a turn lately.. their conversation became shorter. they were seldom together at college. even though they were still close to each other, he began to feel the gap between them. their time at the ice-cream parlour became just a brief conversation, and they no longer have their ice-cream as often. she was preoccupied with something else. she was busy, busy with her guy. he felt that she was beginning to brush him aside. he was no longer close to her. she is becoming a stranger.

it have been a week since he last sat down at the ice-cream parlour for more than fifteen minutes. the ice-creams no longer interest him. he didn't even notice there were new varieties of yogurt ice-creams. he did not even notice his ice-cream melt. and for the past week, he left his ice-cream untouched. what seemed like a fun-fare with bright neons and bling-blings became a place where he sulk on his own disappointment.

the ice-cream parlour stopped serving sweet ice-creams since then. it began to serve bitter, hard to swallow reality.

p/s i am in no mood to write good english today :)

a death, on their day.

today is the big day for them. after being separated for longer than she expected, they finally got back together. it's their reunion. it's their day. it's their everything they could ever hope for.

and today, green with envy, he turned into the green-eyed monster. he was torturing himself more than he can take. being a sour grape would be an understatement to him. he is more than a sore loser. tonight, he couldn't swallow his pride and do nothing about it.

the only place for him tonight is on his very own corner. undisturbed and unseen, it is the only place he felt comfortable when he is stuck. the place where he tortures himself with his own hurtful thoughts. the only place where he finds solace amidst his own anger and depression.

there and then, thoughts began to flash through his mind. wild imagination and hurtful truths fill his mind. within minutes, he began to feel the disappointment building up within. his throat choking, he began to pen down his thoughts. he wrote in stanzas, in paragraphs, in phrases, in forms which belittles grammar.

he began to wander off in his thoughts. his fingers still moving deftly, unmoved by his own thoughts. on a paragraph, he wrote,

"what are you doing today? are you looking at the birds chirping happily across the silver-white clouds? or are you already lying on the meadow whispering things unheard to others to his ears? what are your adventures today? traveling with him to the mountains, enjoying the scenery at the peak? exploring the dark, damp caves with pure excitement and filled with adrenaline? or are you caught in his arms on the blueberry bushes?"

he became bitter. his thoughts are poisoning him and he began to scribble. the walls became his canvas. he began to paint by pouring his emotions onto the canvas. his scribbles unrecognizable. his pen-strokes messed up. he was no longer expressing, he was no longer thinking. he became an uncontrollable monster. his own thoughts, his emotions, his feelings became his master.

it was already dawn when he stop. he was satisfied with his masterpiece. very much indeed. he knew it was time for him to free himself from the emotions. he knew he needed to take control of himself again.

a death, on their day.

the walls were filled with scribbles that nobody can possibly understand. but in his anger and agony, he wrote;

"if only i can be by your side, unseen by him,
if only i can be with you, unnoticed by him,
if only i can touch your heart, unfelt by him.

if only... you saw,
if only... you noticed,
if only... you felt... Me."

give up, move on...

sometimes people will need to give up on their dreams, and learn to deal with it later on. choices that we humans make are not necessarily correct. nobody can dictate which road we should travel. and with every choices made, there'll be risks and consequences. to weigh the pros and cons would be a difficult task. the same goes to the risks. how would i face those consequences? how would i face myself in the future?

regrets. there'll certainly be regrets later on. regret because i wouldn't do anything. regret because i couldn't take the risk. regret because i am who i am today. disappointing it may seem, i'm learning to let go of things. i am, sadly, giving up. i feel.. there is no hope for me. and the best i can be is someone who is by her side, but unable to wrap her in my arms.

this might be a hasty decision, but i can't see the point continuing. the sleepless nights, the commitment i'm putting in, the effort, the best personality i can possibly put up with, and the never ending trying to impress her. it seem.. so not me for now. should i be who i am, being comfortable with myself? or should i be taking care of her feelings, her needs, more than mine? this is a question i am unable to answer for now. but.. i am growing tired of all these things. i need a breather. i am sorry, Me.

the rain

almost everyone would prefer a clear day compared to a rainy day. it has been raining for a few days and i've either heard or read that most of my friends are cursing the rain. i, however, prefer rainy days. it gets very.. nostalgic.. full of emotions and feelings. more often than not, the rain soothes my feelings a lil bit. somehow it calms me down, and the sight of lightning fascinates me.

the rain reminds me of things which i can never forget. never ever. the earliest memory of the rain which i have is when i was still in my kampung. my bro and i were playing in the rain, and my neighbour's daughter caught us playing and told our parents about it. what happened next, i've forgot. but i still remember the fun of playing in the rain with him. and we were ignorant about lightning strikes and fever and illness and whatever rain related mishaps. things have changed now. i no longer live in the kampung.. my neighbour, that particular pak-pak passed away a few years back.. and the thing which changed most is, i'm no longer close to him..

scouting, friendship, and the rain. it would be easy to relate scouting and friendship, but how do those two relate to the rain? simple. put scouting and friendship under the rain! yes, the rain reminds me of them as well. whenever it rains, we would have to sum up all our energy to dig the drain. otherwise, the tent will flood. there were a few times that the drain was not complete, and i remember only once that the drain i dig worked. then came this so called 'bridge' project. one of our activity in scouting was to build a bridge across burmese pool (burmese pool is not a pool, but a stream instead). yea, it was hard work, really hard work to build a bamboo bridge in a stream. yes, it was raining as well. that's what made it so memorable. the result? the bridge was never up. but the fun part was getting soaked in the stream for one whole day with my friends. another occasion that i remember is one of my friend's birthday. yea. it was drizzling, if not raining. we went out for dinner at KFC, walked around town like nobody's business, and forced one of my friend to a haircut which he hated! and that all happened while it was raining. as much as my childhood has changed, all these has changed as well.. i am no longer a scout.. so i no longer dig drains and build bridges that are better off unbuilt. i am no longer close to my friends.. and i no longer attend parties that i've enjoyed and felt so comfortable with previously.

then came the big 'crush' thing. i still remember the brief evening walks which we had, up to the big water tank at our housing area. i still remember she, looking forward to a clear evening just to find it raining in the end. i still remember the fear that she felt when she was caught in the rain up at the water tank and thunderstorms clapping above her. and yes, things has changed as well. i am no longer as shy as then.. and i guess she is enjoying her life even without the evening walks..

and there was this great accident that i had. i can recall the details clearly before the accident. it was right after my BM tuition, and i've just got myself a new pen to make a card. it was raining and i was soaked on my way back home. if only bicycles have roofs, i wont get soaked then. and when i was going downhill, i lost my brakes because of the rain. and i went all the way downhill. i was thinking to jump, i was looking for the right place to jump, i was trying to stop the bicycle with my feet. i was trying to take control of the situation. but i couldn't. all the way down, half a minute of fear, a split second of blackout, and i was lying face down on the other side of the drain, on the other side of the road, at the foot of the hill. my bike was smashed. but fortunately, very fortunately, i was unhurt. i no longer cycle.. i no longer buy stationery.. and i no longer make my own card..

singing in the rain, singing and the rain. most of us would joke about someone else's singing is so bad it would cause rain. i am quite used to that joke coz i just don't sing well, incomparable even to the toads. but lately, she told me something rather different. sing in the rain, and it helps to stop it. and she does it often. that really left a lasting impression on me. so whenever it rains, i would try my best to humm my favourite tune; but not because i want the rain to end, because i trust her.

as much as the things i've been through with the rain has changed, i still remain the person i am. i do not wish for rain everyday. i just want to be reminded how my life was, once in a while. nobody would remember a day for its crystal clear weather. nobody would remember a day for its sunshine. but come a rainy day, it would create nostalgic, lasting memories.

the mask

masking the sadness behind a smile,
hiding the feelings in a cold heart...

looking up searching for a rainbow,
but all i feel is raindrops on my head...

masking the disappointment with a smile,
hiding the tears in laughter...

looking at you hoping you'd realize,
but all i see is you, wrapped in your guy's arms...

a child?

i realize that he's exactly like a child. whenever he doesn't get things his way, he gets all so worked up and moody. like a child, throwing tantrum when he doesn't get his favourite candy. please be a lil bit more matured, will ya? you don't need to behave like a child to get what you want. coz in the end, you wouldn't have got it anyway.

don't

why are you letting your emotions get hold of you? you've always been like this. can't you at least just once learn a lesson? don't sulk on your life. don't complain! don't let your day ruled by your moodiness and your freaking emotions! so what if they leave you behind? hey you have your own life! your life is not just about other people damn it! your life is about yourself, doing what you want, getting where you want! just stop all these nonsense and get back to your life alright?!?! enough is enough!

and please, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

it hurts... a great deal

i shouldn't be in this current situation. as much as i like it, i hate myself for being in it. yes, i enjoy the heart pumping adrenaline rush. i enjoy that warm feeling inside. i enjoy the happiness that i get from it. i appreciate the way things are.

but i hate it when i get back and realize that things wouldn't come my way. i hate it coz i'm just a nobody instead of that particular somebody. i hate it when i can't have things my way. i hate it when i get disappointed at myself. i hate it when i couldn't do anything. and i hate it most when i need to pretend i'm fine with it!

just another moody weekend? i guess not. this is not just a mood swing or an emo weekend. this is something more than that.

my friend and her roomie

my friend seems quite bothered with her room mate. the fact that they are best buddies since primary school doesn't make things easier. ironically, it worsens the situation. i don't quite know the details, but it's something about my friend being "betrayed" by her best friend.

i'm not taking any sides, coz, i have just seen one side of the coin. i haven't seen the other side, and if there's a chance, i'm really interested to know the other side of the story. things like these; being backstabbed, rumours being spread, untrue news being told; i don't see the point of it at the first place. what's the point anyway? if he's a friend of mine, the last thing i would wanna do is to spread news about him. what's the rationale behind her actions, i dunno. being a friend for more than ten years, i guess there's enough time to get to know a friend personally, no? it would be natural for them to have a mutual understanding about each other and respecting it, no? after all, ten years of a friendship is something hard to come by...

i think the name callings and backstabbing is totally uncalled for.

when friendship turns sour, this is what happens. i guess. i think i've been through those situation before. backstabbers and stuff. if i were to know about this problem of hers a few years back, i'll think it's a way serious problem. but now, i don't see it as a problem anymore. maybe i've been through it, and i've realized that they are just one tiny part of the world that we are seeing. i'll take it as a lesson to get to know that person better.

i hope things would be fine. coz it bothers me alot to see friendships turn sour..